How can you prepare to come out to family and friends? Is there a way to prepare?

Coming out is a difficult subject to cover broadly or to generalize, since every person’s experience is totally different from another’s. But what I can start to cover broadly or generalise are a few important questions to ask yourself when deciding to coming out, ranging from safety to self-resiliency. In the following post, I will discuss what I believe are important factors to understand prior to coming out, and why I believe these are important. Remember, you choosing to come out is dependent on you and no one else. Coming out is your decision to make, and you deserve to do it at the right time for you. 

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What is coming out?

I’m sure all, or most, people reading this know what coming out is, but in case you don’t, here is a simple definition for you. Coming out is the process of discovering, accepting, and disclosing one’s sexual or gender identity that varies from the norm. For my definition, I consider disclosing one’s sexual orientation to oneself as a major step in the coming out process. Especially since this is the first experience most members of the LGBTQ+ community have with their sexual or gender identity. 

The where, when, and who of coming out is extremely personal, varying from person to person. Some people are fortunate, or willing to, come out at a younger age. Others wait decades to come out, not expressing this major part of them until much later in life, even after marriages to the opposite gender (think someone like Caitlyn Jenner, very controversial, but it is the best example for this that I can currently think of). And some people may choose to never come out for a variety of reasons. 

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Safety always comes first.

Before coming out, the most important thing is your safety - if you come out, will you have a support system? If you come out, will you be physically safe or will you face the possibility of severe bullying, physical danger, being kicked out of home, or (in some parts of the world) face criminal charges for expressing yourself? If you fear your safety, it is okay to not come out when you first discover your identity because you cannot celebrate who you are when you are in physical danger. 

If you may face difficulties such as being kicked out of home or being bullied in school but you still want to come out, you first need to find a support system. This can be friends, parents, parents of friends, school administration, a youth facility, an LGBTQ+ community centre in your area. But first find these resources, find this support system, and make sure that you will find a way to safety as soon as possible. If you don’t have access to any of these resources, then maybe the timing is just not right yet. Unfortunately, maybe you can only come out to yourself. Once you find your support system or have financial independence, the world is for you to take. 

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Preparation of coming out. 

When choosing to come out and you have found a support system to help you, or you are safe in your environment to do so, there are some steps to take before coming out. 

1. Know what terminology you want to use.

Take the necessary time to explore the different terminology available to you as a member of the LGBTQ+ community. Explore all of your options, especially if you are still unsure. You don’t have to know exactly what your identity is, but I suggest finding a term that is closest to how you feel, whether that is gay, bisexual, lesbian, transgender, gender fluid, nonbinary, etc. And when you do come out, use the terminology that you would like others to understand you as. This means, that once you come out and the person is unsure of what the term you used means, they have the opportunity to educate themselves. Google and Youtube are such easy and great sources to use for this. 

2. The timing of coming out. 

In the process of coming out, timing can be everything. You should choose a time when you feel safest, depending on whether or not that is time of day, or time in your life. 

3. The place of coming out. 

This may seem weird, but the place of coming out can actually matter. By this I mean - should you come out in every environment? Perhaps it is safe for you to come out to your school friends, but not safe for you to come out at church. Or perhaps your family is accepting and supportive, but you wouldn’t be given that acceptance and support at work. The place in which you come out, or maybe don’t come out, matters. It is okay to be out in some places but not others, because, again, safety comes first. 

4. Self-resiliency. 

Self-resiliency is when you have the ability to protect yourself from any difficulties that may arise, or to adapt to a difficult or stressful situation. In the case of coming out, it’s being prepared for any variation of reaction you may get. It can be particularly important to have the psychological strength to handle rejection, in case rejection were to happen. Self-resiliency can sprout from being confident in your identity, so that even when someone (even someone you love, like a close family member) pushes you and says something along the lines of “You’re not really LGBTQ+ (fill in your identity)”, you have the confidence in yourself to say, “Actually, I am.” 

This may sound hard, to be able to depend on yourself and to “bounce back” from such rejection. And you’d be right, it is very difficult to be able to bounce back. But, at the risk of sounding cliche, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. And when you face rejection head on and can still tell yourself that you are who you are, you have grown to be strong. 

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Coming out is the most personal and vulnerable thing an LGBTQ+ person does in the beginning of their journey. For many, it is the first time putting words to feelings that couldn’t be explained for such a long time. For others, it is finally the time to be their most authentic self. While coming out and you identity should be celebrated at all times, sometimes it’s just not the right time. By all means, this article isn’t supposed to make you feel like you have to come out. This article can be used to help prepare you to make those steps or to better understand what the experience can be like. 

The most important thing to remember, though, is your safety and if you’re ready to come out. It is no one’s choice but your own, and no one can take this monumental moment away from you. 

If you’re questioning your identity, feel rejected by loved ones based on your identity, facing issues such as internalised homophobia and unsure how to handle any of these issues, please reach out and talk to an LGBTQ+ friendly counsellor. 

You can contact me via: info.therapywitholivia@gmail.com to set up your free introduction session and begin your journey to self acceptance and resiliency today.