New Year, Same Me: Why New Year's Resolutions seem to always end in failure
I may be a bit late in the game, considering it’s already the middle of January and everyone is probably tired and done with talking about their resolutions for the new year, but I thought I’d still add my hot take on the topic.
Now, I’m all about goals — make big goals for the year and breaking them down into smaller, more obtainable goals being what I typically like to do — and if you ask any of my clients, you’ll probably hear that I’m big on setting goals in therapy. I find goals so incredibly helpful, especially when you know there are changes to make but not sure where to start, and I’m always super excited when people come to me with great goals for change, even if they do seem totally unobtainable at that moment. I find it rewarding to break down these big goals into smaller, bite-sized ones and to see people accomplish them one by one, until, next thing you know, BAM they’ve reached their big goal.
BUT, even though I’m all about goals, I can’t help but not really like or buy into the whole New Year’s Resolutions thing. I know, this probably seems totally weird and disconnected to what I was just saying, but hear me out.
They’re too big.
A reason I would say some New Year’s resolutions end in failure is that the goal is just too big. I remember after graduating, I had a resolution of paying off half of my student loans… in one year. Why did I do that? Simply because I didn’t realize how big of a goal it was at the time of writing it down and because I hoped that writing it down would make it happen. And, in reality, there was no possible way I would have been able to do that in one year (traveling, starting my business, furnishing a house all got in the way. And, hey, I’m American - my loans are crazy high!!). So, what did I do that year? I set myself up for failure in the form of financial goals because the big resolution, the one I was determined to make happen, was just way too big to be accomplished in 12 months.
I know I’m not the only one who’s made the mistake of making a resolution just too big to accomplish in one year. Or maybe it involves so many smaller steps to achieve that you just get overwhelmed before you even start. When we start a new year, we all tend to get a little excited and decide “New year, new me!”, making huge goals and resolutions. At that moment, of course, you think you can accomplish them - hey, you’ll even accomplish it in the first 3 months! But as time goes on, and the new year is just the same as the last, it’s common to lose the momentum you had at the start, to lose sight of the end goal because you just don’t know how to reach it.
There is nothing wrong with making big goals and being excited about them. But, as I do with clients, if you’re choosing a big goal for your New Years' resolution, to avoid failure, break it up! Instead of having just one big goal that you can get lost trying to accomplish, make it into smaller, more reasonable goals that you can actually schedule into your everyday life. This turns what could be overwhelming and daunting into something you can do.
They’re something you’ve tried before but didn’t reach.
I think it comes to no surprise that a way to fail your New Years' resolutions is if you’ve failed the same one time and time again. While for some this would be an encouragement to actually fulfill the goal — to go to the gym four times a week, eating healthier, ordering out less, drinking less alcohol, etc. — others may find failing the goal before as a sign that you’ll just fail again. It’s easy to just give up when things are difficult and it’s especially easy when you’ve already created this self-fulfilling prophecy of failure every year. What it really may mean if you keep failing at the same goal over and over is that (1) you can’t find the motivation, (2) you’re completely overwhelmed, or (3) you're not really ready for change. It’s difficult to know which one it could be for each case, but if you’re finding this struggle every year, maybe it’s important to regroup. Maybe you have a fitness goal of going to the gym 4 days a week, maybe switch it up to going twice a week and doing some yoga or going for a long walk another day during the week. Maybe you have a goal of drinking less alcohol in the new year, maybe instead of quitting cold turkey, you make a new rule of only drinking once a week, twice a month, or even once a month. And just because your goal may start small, it doesn’t mean you have to stay small. If things are going well, and you’re achieving your goal easily, then it’s time to take it up a notch!
They’re something that you think you have to do or be good at.
We all know of at least one or two things that we feel like we have to do or be good at to be “functioning” or “doing life right,” but that doesn’t mean it’s something that we want to do. There will always be things that you don’t want to do but know you have to do (for me, that’s laundry), and we don’t just get to stop doing all of those things simply because we don’t want to.
When it comes to making goals and resolutions, it should be things that you want to change or add to your life. These goals should be things or actions that make your life better not more miserable, and let’s be real here — making your goals something that you feel obligated to do makes going into the new year that less exciting. Sure, maybe you think you have to lift weights to be healthy, but maybe you enjoy yoga more — that's still exercise! Maybe you think you need to be good at cooking, but maybe cooking is just fun for you and it doesn’t matter if you burn a thing or two. The point is, even if there is something that you feel like you have to do or be good at by the end of the new year, it doesn’t mean you have to do it in the way everyone else does. Make these goals or resolutions that feel so miserable a little more fun, maybe that’s finding the type of exercise you like more or experimenting with new recipes. Make it your own.
They’re for someone else, not for you.
When making a list of New Years' resolutions, it’s not uncommon to think back to the comments other people have made about things they do not like about you, things they believe you should change, or just general problems you found coming up time and time again that may have something to do with you. After reflecting on these things, you would probably add some of those changes to your list of goals for the new year to please those around you. Unfortunately, this does not always lead to success. Sometimes these changes others suggest to you are not actually problems for you, but only problems for them. When this happens, you’re not actually trying to change or reach any time of resolution for yourself but for another person. And, truth be told, doing anything for anyone else isn’t an easy feat.
New Year's resolutions are tough to make and they’re even tougher to see through. It is common for people to lose momentum after the new year begins, to feel overwhelmed by the goals they’ve set for themselves, or all together just lose interest or motivation. There is nothing wrong with this; however, there is a problem with determining the success of your year based solely on these resolutions you make before the year even began. I think it’s important to understand why certain resolutions fail to be sure you can succeed next time, or choose resolutions that are important to you. Don’t worry if you’ve already “failed” and it’s only January — you can make new goals any time of year, it’s not a strictly New Years thing.
