On Self-Compassion: A therapist's 5 tips on becoming more compassionate towards yourself
Lately, I've been talking a lot about self-compassion — here on my blog I've mentioned it a few times and I talk about it all the time with clients and in my personal life. However, something I notice whenever I talk about it is people questioning what that is, what that means, and how do you do it.
There is a difference between self-care and self-compassion (see what I have to say about self-care here), yet so many people seem to use these two ideas interchangeably. While self-compassion can include self-care, they are not inherently the same thing.
Self-compassion is essentially extending the compassion and care you give to others to yourself, despite feelings of general distress (including feelings of failure, inadequacy, etc.). In a sense, it's all about positive self-talk, showing yourself a bit of love, and understanding that failures or shortcomings are inevitable.
If this sounds obvious to you and you're thinking “uh, DUH.” You're right — it is obvious and it is a DUH moment. But we often forget about being kind to ourselves, even though we know that it's important. You may be surprised by how little self-compassion you show yourself and if you'd like to see that, take the online quiz here.
Self-compassion sounds pretty easy when it's written down, huh? But in practice, it can be challenging. Sometimes it involves rewiring your brain into accepting yourself as you are without judgment, and that's always much harder than we think. So, here are some ways to practice self-compassion and exercises to try out if you find yourself struggling.
Talk to yourself the way you would talk to your friend.
Remember that old Golden Rule? “Do unto others as you would want others to do unto you.” So simple yet so important. Now, I want you to take that rule and point it back to you — talk to yourself the way you want other people to talk to you. Or, talk to yourself how you would talk to your friend. When a close friend or loved one made a mistake, maybe didn't complete a work task on time, didn't get a job, etc. how would you respond to them? You probably wouldn't say to them “Wow, you really do suck. Get it together.” But, I bet you'd say something similar to yourself.
In the end, the way you talk to yourself sets up what you accept from other people. So, speak kindly to yourself. You deserve it.
Express gratitude daily.
Now, I know I talked about gratitude before, but I find it so important that I'm going to mention it again.
Through the expression of gratitude, your mindset can quite literally shift from being negative to be more positive. This is simply because of the shift of focus from the bad to the good — even if it feels like “small” things, like having a nice cup of hot coffee.
When practicing daily gratitude, you are showing yourself the good that's happening in your life, shifting your focus, and allowing yourself to feel more positive. This action alone shows yourself compassion, that things are good despite a mistake you may have made.
Transform your internal negative dialogue.
Okay, now this one is a bit tricky, as it can often take some of my clients weeks to figure out how to do this one. BUT it's not impossible. In fact, it's much easier than I think people realize.
Transforming your negative internal dialogue is done in a few steps:
(1) Recognize your negative thoughts
What are those initial thoughts that come into your head when something bad has happened? Where does your mind go when you’re sitting on the couch, watching tv or reading? Take note of the thoughts you are having and write down the negative ones.
(2) Look for evidence that proves that thought right
When I’m talking about evidence, I mean things that are true, not opinions. So, let’s say you’re negative thought is that you’re lazy. The evidence shouldn’t be that you’re lazy because you took a rest day (rest days are necessary, after all!), but should focus on what is true, i.e. maybe you slept until 1:00 in the afternoon.
(3) Look for evidence that goes against those thoughts
This step may be hard, but it’s a necessity. Let’s go back to the thought of being lazy. The evidence against this could be that you had to stay up late to finish a project, making you sleep later than usual the next day; you actually don’t have that much work to do today; etc.
(4) Reframe your thought based on the evidence at hand
Now that you have your evidence for and against your thought, I want you to reframe that thought. This would preferably be a new, positive thought about yourself but let’s be real, it isn’t that easy to just switch from negative thoughts to positive thoughts. So instead, maybe start with reframing the thought to something more neutral. Instead of saying “I”m lazy” maybe you say something like “I’m feeling exhausted and need a rest day today.”
(5) Consciously remind yourself of this new thought any time the old, negative thought pops up in your head
So you’ve come up with your new thought, now you have to put that new thought to work. Every time you feel your mind wandering to that negative thought of “I’m lazy”, try to tell yourself that new thought you came up with. Do this every single time that thought comes up.
Again, I know it sounds complicated, but trust me, it's much easier than you'd expect. And once you're practicing gratitude daily, changing your mindset and your thoughts to match the positive things in your life becomes easier and easier.
Practice mindfulness.
We've all heard about mindfulness. We've all been told to meditate daily to bring ourselves internal peace. But, how can mindfulness encourage self-compassion?
The practice of mindfulness is often seen as the first step towards healing, in which you approach your emotions with openness and curiosity. Through practicing mindfulness, you are allowing yourself the space to feel and understand your emotions. In return, this allows you the opportunity to hear what you need from yourself emotionally, approaching yourself with more compassion.
Take some time to sit in silence and focus on your breathing. When your mind wanders, try to bring yourself back to that breath. Mindfulness is all about focusing on your body, staying in the present moment, and trying to reach inner peace or calm.
Self-forgiveness is key.
Just like talking to yourself as you would a friend, you must forgive yourself for the small, human mistakes you make just like you would forgive someone else. Once you accept mistakes and failures are normal parts of life, you can begin to move forward towards self-forgiveness. This is another topic I've already discussed, which you can find here.
Although self-compassion feels so obvious, it is something that so many of us lack. We tend to be incredibly hard on ourselves when we make a mistake, fail at something, embarrass ourselves, and this causes us to shut down and feel worse emotionally.
Self-compassion is not about changing who you are or expecting you to be a “better version” of you. Self-compassion is all about accepting yourself for who you are, loving yourself no matter what, and recognizing that mistakes are what make you, you.
