On Boundaries: A therapist's guide on setting healthy boundaries
“Boundaries can be anything, include anything, and change depending on the person/situation/time. All that matters is that they feel good to you.”
In a previous blog post, I briefly mentioned boundary setting and how beneficial it can be for surviving the holidays. Boundaries help more than just being around family. In fact, setting boundaries and keeping them can be crucial when maintaining positive relationships and mental health.
The term ‘boundary’ can feel pretty harsh to some people, but think of it as a guideline of how to be treated and how you treat others. We’re talking about the ‘Golden Rule’ here (for those who don’t know, that’s treat others the way you want to be treated).
Boundaries can be anything, include anything, and change depending on the person/situation/time. All that matters is that they feel good to you.
What are boundaries? And why are they so important?
Boundary setting is an essential part of self care and maintaining happy, healthy relationships. They’re our way of showing others the limits of what we can take and accept from them, professionally and personally.
Let’s think back to history or geography. We all learned about different countries and where their boundaries are. These boundaries can be seen [for example, Mount Everest marks the boundary between China and Nepal; Rio Grande between the US and Mexico] but, oftentimes, they’re an imaginary line drawn between countries. Within countries we see these boundaries in forms of cities, towns, districts, area codes; and most of the time, they’re not clearly drawn on the ground. Instead, they’re marked with signs, or not marked at all.
This is the same for personal boundaries.
Our boundaries as people are not going to be clearly marked with some sort of physical boundary like the Rio Grande [although, wouldn’t it be nice to have a physical boundary at times, I’m thinking of when I’m on public transportation… A physical boundary from the person sitting just a bit too close to me on the train. Come on, I’m sure we’ve all been there.]. Instead, it’s often left to us to share and speak our boundaries, to draw a metaphorical line in the metaphorical sand.
Boundaries are our limits, it’s how much we’re willing to take from other people. Boundaries teach others how to treat us, they say ‘this is okay or you’re starting to enter enemy territory.’ They also tell other people ‘hey, my needs matter just as much as yours.’
The best part about boundaries is that you get to make them up for yourself. It’s up to you, and only you, to determine those boundaries and set them with those around you.
How to set healthy boundaries
sure, boundaries sound great and all, but how do you even set them? It can definitely feel overwhelming at first, but I have some tips for you on how to get started.
Spend some time thinking about what you want/need. Use your personal values to help guide you.
The best place to start with setting boundaries is through self reflection. Think about what you want and need in life and from other people (this is your why). If you struggle with this, use your personal values and beliefs to help guide you. For example, I value my alone time, and I know that I need it to feel good. So, I have to set a clear boundary with those around me that alone time is a necessity for me, and to communicate when I need that time to myself.
Understanding the why behind each boundary can make it that much easier to set those boundaries and be consistent with them.
Evaluate the relationships you have with others.
Of course we can have boundaries within ourselves, for example how much screen time we use, how much money we spend, etc, but boundaries within our relationships cultivate happy, long relationships (not just romantic ones either!).
Reflecting on how you feel in your relationships can tell you a lot about your boundaries, ones you already have and maybe ones you need to set. Are you getting enough of what you need out of these relationships? Are you having enough family time, financial security, quality time, etc.? And if you’re not, could setting a boundary bring these needs more in balance?
State your boundaries as clear and straightforward as possible.
Once you know what your boundaries are, your next step is to clearly communicate them with others. Communication is always key to healthy relationships, so it’s no surprise communication is key when it comes to healthy boundary setting.
It’s necessary to be as straightforward as possible with those in your life. If you don’t like the way in which someone speaks to you when they’re upset, it’s crucial to make that perfectly clear by communicating how it makes you feel. If you leave it open for interpretation, you risk your boundaries being disrespected time and time again.
The less clear you are, the more up for interpretation your boundaries are, the more likely you are to be disappointed in other people. They can’t know what you don’t tell them!
Be consistent with your boundaries – clearly communicate when your boundaries are being crossed.
Not only is communication key, but consistency is also important. Without consistency, you risk everyone, yourself included, getting confused with what is important to you.
It’s better to assume that you are solely responsible for having your boundaries respected rather than assume other people will help you or understand when they’re crossed. This means, it’s your responsibility to communicate clearly when your boundaries are overstepped. Unfortunately, not everyone pays attention to others’ boundaries, its our own responsibility for them to be respected and understood.
However, this doesn’t always need to be confrontational! You can respect your own boundaries without feeling like you have to confront those who cross them. For example, if someone in your life is constantly messaging you (like, nonstop messages) and you’ve asked them not to do it, you don’t have to say ‘I told you don’t do this!!!’ but you can say ‘I know you want to talk to me, but I’m a bit busy right now. I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.’
Give time for yourself and show yourself a bit of love.
If you view yourself as worthless or not deserving, setting healthy boundaries will feel impossible, even though you are totally worthy of respect and love. Sometimes the best way to feel worthy and deserving is to do things that you love to do, things that make you feel good.
We all know that I love self care, and I will encourage it in almost every single post I write. But it’s not for nothing! Practicing self-care sends a message to your brain of ‘I’m worthy. I matter. I’m deserving of love and respect.’ These messages can help you with setting boundaries and being consistent with them. Not to mention, it’ll feel good while doing
Don’t forget to reevaluate your boundaries whenever possible! We are all always changing and growing, our relationships are always changing and growing. With that in mind, the boundaries you set in the here and now may not benefit you as much in the future.
Healthy boundaries are a crucial part of all of our lives, and a crucial part of successful, happy, long relationships (friendships, family, romantic, all relationships, really). Just because they’re important, it doesn’t mean they’re easy to set. Remember that in order for boundaries to be respected, you have to make your boundaries clear. And no matter what, you are worth it.
