The Lonely Expat
I’ve previously written a blog introducing why I’ve chosen to work with expats in my private practice, and I briefly mentioned the loneliness that comes with the expat life. This is a topic often written about, but not typically expanded on.
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So, you’re thinking about moving to a new country - maybe for a job, maybe for school, maybe even for a relationship. And while it all seems exciting and new (which it is), there are struggles to the expat life that you don’t often see on social media. From trying to figure out what visa/residency permit will work for you (and if anyone has tried to figure this out through the IND website knows this is extremely and unnecessarily difficult) to where to live (which is equally if not more hard due to scamming), there will be many obstacles on your way to your destination country. And once you’re there, it doesn’t always get easier.
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We can go into talking about the issues with visa/permit finding, housing issues for expats and immigrants, and finding work if you’ve moved here for love, but let’s be honest here, that’s not interesting and not what you would expect a psychologist to write about. Instead, I want to focus on what happens after all of the technical aspects of moving - how do you adjust? How do you make friends? And how do you make a foreign country your home?
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The adjustment period of a new environment varies person by person — some people will be moving after already visiting here or having connections here, and for them, the adjustment will be quicker and smoother; however, not everyone is that lucky, and some people may not have these connections already in place. For those who are facing this type of situation, it’s okay to expect a longer adjustment period, with high highs and very low lows. But my best word of advice for those facing harder adjustment — Do not compare your situation to anyone else’s but your own. I know, you’re probably thinking “well, DUH, Olivia.” And yes, this is very obvious for most people, but when you are in a situation that requires a lot of adjustment and one that many people have already gone through, it becomes so difficult to only focus on yourself and your own experiences than anyone else’s.
In those times where you’re busy focusing on someone else’s adjustment and begin comparing your journey with someone else’s, remember: the reasons for your move will be different than theirs; your life experiences make you a totally different person than them; your home life is different than theirs; your family is different than theirs; and most importantly, you are a different person than they are. Once you begin consciously remembering those things, you will feel lighter, less pressure to be “okay” quicker, and can focus on your healing and adjustment first and worry about everything else second.
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So, you’ve begun to adjust. Now what?
Well, let’s just assume you have a home, a job, some sort of stability in your home life, but you’re missing the human connection you had at home — you’re missing having brunch with friends, going to get a drink after work with your favourite colleague, or meeting your parent/sister/cousin/grandparent for dinner once a week. To put it frankly, you’re lonely.
Loneliness is normal. I repeat, loneliness is normal. What isn’t normal is the negative side effects that can come from unchecked loneliness (or not fulfilling the social interactions every human needs). When you feel so lonely that you don’t want to leave your bed; when you’re feeling sad and empty; when you feel your mental wellness slipping away; when you’re turning to drugs or alcohol; when you’re purposefully avoiding social situations because you do not think you are worthy of them, then you know you are reaching a point of no return — you must face your loneliness head-on, reverse it, and find a way to heal from the negative side effects.
What you have to focus on is how you react to your loneliness and how to fix it. Maybe you’re okay with being lonely every once in a while; maybe you’re an introvert who doesn’t need much social interaction throughout the week because it exhausts you, and that is okay. But, at some point, you will have to face your loneliness and find a solution. These solutions will be different for everyone, but when searching what is best for you, you may need to try what works for others. Here’s just a few examples:
Remember you are not alone in this. You are not the first or the last person to move to another country. And you are not the only one feeling down and lonely after a move. In fact, you can connect instantly with so many other immigrants and expats who are going through the same issues as you through the means of Facebook, IAmExpat, InterNations, etc.
Look for people with common interests to connect with. It is incredibly simple to go online and search for anything you’re interested in and find a group for that. In fact, there are many meet up websites where you can enter your interests and location, and find a group that is suitable for you. The world is just a click away!
Don’t be afraid to go out by yourself. I know it sounds intimidating, but going to an event, bar, restaurant, cafe, by yourself can be an excellent way to meet people. In fact, when someone sees another person sitting alone, it’s not all that uncommon for them to be approached by another. Don’t be afraid of being by yourself out in public, you may be surprised by the reactions.
Know when you need to talk to someone. Maybe all this seems too difficult to do on your own. Maybe you’ve tried all these things, and still, feel lonely and left out of the culture. In cases like this, you cannot be afraid to reach out for help and to talk with someone. There are dozens of expat/immigrant counsellors/therapists in your area that are eager to help and that understand the struggles you are facing.
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Loneliness is hard to deal with, especially when you’re in a totally new and different environment. Sometimes it’s hard to cope. Sometimes it feels impossible to settle in and adjust to a new culture/environment. But, you don’t have to do this alone. Reach out to people — through Facebook or other social media. Reach out to a counsellor if you need one — it does not show weakness, it will show strength.
Contact me: info.therapywtiholivia@gmail.com
