Feeling stuck? How self-forgiveness can help create permanent change

We often feel frustrated with our inability to change, feeling as though we will always be stuck where we are right now. We’ve fallen into a trap of guilt and self-blame, believing the fallacy that we deserve to be unhappy based on previous action or inaction. We often feel as though we cannot forgive ourselves for what we did or did not do, instead we focus on the anger we have towards ourselves. But this is where you are preventing the change from happening. By practicing self-forgiveness and showing yourself some compassion, you create the environment necessary for change.

Many of us hold on to negative beliefs towards ourselves and interpret our shortcomings with stronger emotions and beliefs than the things we do “correctly.” Throughout our day, we tend to focus on the things we’ve done wrong rather than the things we’ve done right. For example, in a work meeting, maybe you didn’t speak up when you wanted to; maybe you were standing in line at the grocery store and someone cut in front of you, and you said nothing; maybe you feel like you’ve said something stupid on a date and now feel as though they won’t want to see you ever again. No matter what it may be or how small of a situation, many of us will play this event over and over in our heads, attributing these “failures” to something that is “innately wrong” with us.

Once we’ve begun this process, it’s incredibly hard to stop. And imagine how hard it is to stop doing this and forgive yourself instead when you’ve been doing this for, well… forever? This is such a common theme I see throughout most of my sessions with most of my clients. We hold onto this guilt for something we think we’ve done wrong, and we use this guilt to shame ourselves. And, I hate to break it to you, you’re the one doing this to yourself.

What even is self-forgiveness?

It’s about self-compassion and kindness.

Forgiveness is the same no matter who you’re forgiving, even if it is yourself. It’s recognizing where you’ve gone wrong, your shortcomings, and allowing yourself to accept these facts. It’s allowing yourself to accept when things go wrong because not everything can be perfect. It’s about self-compassion and kindness.

When you have a friend who has made a mistake, let’s say they started a fight with you over something that happened in the past. And you’re angry, of course, you because fighting with someone you care about hurts you, but you recognize that it wasn’t with malicious intent, recognize people make mistakes, and forgive them. Now, if we flip the script. If you were the one who started the fight. Maybe it would go one of two ways: either you would think it was justified or you would be upset and angry with yourself for starting it to begin with.

At times it can be easier to forgive others rather than yourself. But, just like how forgiving your friend for making a mistake, it’s necessary to forgive yourself for making a mistake. Just like with forgiving a friend, forgiving yourself allows you to move past and grow from a situation.

How self-forgiveness shows self-compassion

Self-compassion is loving them [flaws] or loving yourself despite them.

Forgiveness shows compassion to others, it shows you are sympathetic with others, you understand mistakes do happen, and you accept the flaws in others. It’s something that can feel so easy to give to others that we often forget about showing ourselves a little compassion. Self-compassion is all about accepting and understanding yourself and your flaws, bringing that love inwards. In my mind, self-forgiveness and self-compassion go hand in hand.

If forgiving yourself is accepting your flaws, then self-compassion is loving them or loving yourself despite them. This can be really hard, after all, we are our own worse critics. We demand nothing less than perfection from ourselves, yet we accept others cannot meet those expectations. Through practicing self-forgiveness and self-compassion, you accept you cannot always meet your expectations of yourself and that that is okay sometimes.

Now, this doesn’t mean you have to or should blindly accept all your flaws. It’s okay to want to improve yourself and work on those flaws. The point of self-forgiveness and self-compassion is to accept the inability to change, but accept change takes time, guidance, and compassion/empathy to continue on.

Why does this all matter, anyway?

Through forgiving yourself, you say “I do not want to suffer anymore” and allow yourself to heal from your past mistakes.

Okay, so you understand a bit better what I’m talking about, but maybe you’re wondering why am I blabbering on and on about this? And why do I always say “remember to forgive yourself” in every post?

Research shows time and time again how important self-forgiveness and compassion is for your mental and emotional health, relationships, overall well-being, and even your productivity and motivation (something I’ve mentioned in a previous blog, The Quarantine Slump). By showing yourself a bit of self-compassion and love, you’re allowing yourself the space to grow, personally and interpersonally (with other people). Through forgiving yourself, you say “I do not want to suffer anymore” and allow yourself to heal from your past mistakes. Think about it, if you forgive yourself for the mistakes (real or perceived) you’ve made, you accept yourself for your flaws, you say “I love me no matter what” — of course, that increases your self-esteem and mental health.

Self-forgiveness and self-compassion is not something you do once and can move on from. These are things are continuous. You practice it daily and learn how to fulfill these needs in ways that work for you. You begin to learn more about your flaws, accepting them as part of you, and learning what things you may like to change for yourself. Suddenly your flaws are not something to hide from or to change for others, they’re things that add up to the sum of you.