How your relationship can last during quarantine: A therapist's tips on surviving with a loved one

Sometimes maintaining and nurturing our relationships is difficult, but nurturing our relationships while in a worldwide pandemic is even harder. Why is it that we’ve all heard of people breaking up during this time? How do you make sure you nurture and care for your relationship now? How is quarantine affecting those who are in abusive or unsafe relationships?

Trigger warning: domestic violence will be mentioned during this post, if you find this too difficult to read, please feel free to read any of my other blog posts. I suggest The Quarantine Slump if you’re searching for something on this topic.

Af first, maybe social isolation with your partner was fun -- you were finally able to spend some time together without distractions. Maybe you had home date-nights, cooked meals together, started a series together, had long talks, went on walks together, maybe you were even having more sex. But over time, it wasn't as fun anymore. Maybe you've noticed what were once "fun quirks" were becoming major annoyances. Maybe you got tired of always doing the dishes after dinner. Whatever happened, something just...happened.

And this can be incredibly challenging to handle, especially when having some time to yourself or “blowing off some steam” just isn’t possible anymore. You’re not alone in this, only 18% of couples are satisfied with their communication and 29% are satisfied with the quality of time they’re spending together. Just because you’re not alone doesn’t mean understanding it or coping with it is any easier.

It seems as though the best indicator of whether or not you and your partner will have major issues during quarantine is whether or not there are underlying issues before it all occurred. Meaning, if you were solid in your relationship before quarantine, you’re more likely going to be solid during and after. On the other hand, if you were having problems before this (and no, I don’t mean just arguments occasionally over the shoes left in the hallway) that have gone unresolved, these problems will often come back more and more intensely during this time.

What’s important is determining what fights are worth having and what are not.

For those of us in relationships, we’ve all been there — fighting over something dumb, silly, or generally unimportant. Yet for some reason, we fight or bicker about it anyways. And most of the time this isn’t all that bad, you can walk away from the fight to cool down or maybe just generally realize how silly it is and enjoy the rest of the day together (this is especially easy when one or both of you work full time and want to enjoy the moments of time you have together).

When the ability to cool off is taken away, you may notice big fights are happening over nothing. Sure, sometimes those fights need to happen but sometimes it’s not necessary.

Ask yourself: Will my partner hear me and understand me if we argue about this? Will I be able to empathize or understand my partner’s side if it goes against mine? Will this argument have a resolution at the end? Is this something we can fix quickly, at least temporarily? Is this that important to me? If your answer is no to any of these questions, then I suggest walking away from the argument. Maybe revisit it another day when you’re more relaxed, calmer, can take your partner’s perspective of it.

Seriously, take some time for yourself.

At the beginning of the quarantine, spending all day every day with your partner feels fun and exciting. For some, it may be the first time in a long time where you feel completely connected to your partner, you feel like you’re completely in sync and can enjoy these moments together. But suddenly, you can’t stand the person anymore. You’re just dying for some alone time — to watch that one show without judgment, read a book in peace, going for a walk alone.

Somehow we’ve been conditioned into thinking needing this alone time is selfish, that when your partner is around you should want to spend every single moment with them. Maybe that was the case pre-COVID, maybe it made sense to feel like you want to spend every moment you can with your partner because that time was always limited, there was always a finite amount of time allotted. Well, that time just became a whole lot more infinite. The time you were once waiting to go home for is now all the time. There is nothing wrong with needing time alone. This does not make you a bad partner. In fact, having time alone to reflect and destress can make your communication skills with your partner better, and make you happier when you’re spending time together. I would argue that alone time makes you a good partner.

Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Let’s be real, you are bound to be annoying to your partner, and your partner is bound to annoy you. That’s just how it goes. And sometimes you think it’s easier to hold in what’s annoying you until you explode (remember the choosing your battles part of this blog?). Well, a way to prevent this from happening is having open and honest communication with your partner. That means telling them what is annoying you and why when it first happens, not after three weeks of them doing that. Through open communication, you can begin to prevent those explosions from happening. Remember, your partner isn’t doing those things to piss you off for the hell of it, they probably don’t realize it’s pissing you off to begin with.

Not only should you be having open communication for your annoyances, but you should also be communicating your stresses, anxieties, and fears with one another. Being in a worldwide pandemic means having a lot more anxiety and fear than normal, and you’re not alone in feeling it. Having someone to talk to about these fears and anxieties can not only make you feel less alone but also reduce some of the anxiety altogether. It’s also a great way to set up boundaries when it comes to discussing the world situation — maybe you love watching the news but it causes your partner too much anxiety, then you know to put headphones in and maybe not talk about it with your partner unless asked.

Communication is key when it comes to any healthy relationship. Sometimes it’s better to over-communicate than under-communicate.

Trigger warning: there is going to be some discussion about domestic abuse in the next section.

The unfortunate truth for some during this quarantine is that they will be quarantined with their abuser. The amount of domestic abuse has dramatically risen since quarantine began and is suspected to stay high until stay-at-home orders are lifted. For many, this is the scary related they will have to live with daily, unable to leave, fearful to ask for help.

With the abuser always being home, the ability to call a hotline or ask for help is being taken away from people. The ability of someone seeing a bruise left from a fight is taken away. This means that a lot of people are stuck feeling alone and trapped. So, what can be done?

For many, planning can be the safest option. This includes home safety planning, using all available space (other bedrooms, balconies, going on a walk to “cool off”), and/or creating some sort of “code” with a friend or family member to ensure your safety. Options may feel limited, or you may feel alone, but you are not alone.

If you suspect abuse around you (friends, family, neighbors), contact the necessary authorities for a safety check. If you’re not sure what number to call, reach out to your local police department for support.

Domestic violence hotlines:

USA: 1−800−799−7233 for calling or text LOVEIS to 22522, www.thehotline.org

NL: 0900 1 262626; contact options may vary depending on the city

—

Being in a relationship comes with its good and its challenging, and these challenges will likely feel greater given today’s situations than they were previously. But this does not mean your relationship is doomed, there is a learning curve to surviving quarantine with your partner. Fortunately, you’re not alone in figuring it all out.