Overcoming Negative Self-Talk: A therapist’s tips to reframe your inner dialogue
Most of us are far kinder to others than we are to ourselves. Maybe you’ve caught yourself saying things like: “I’m such a failure,” or “I’m so embarrassing, of course no one likes me,” or “I’m too stupid to get this right” and falling into the fallacy of thought that those thoughts must be true since they’re coming from you.
Your negative self-talk is not you and says nothing about who you are. Instead, these thoughts are often a cycle many of us get stuck in. But what if I tell you you no longer have to be stuck in this cycle?
As a therapist, I’ve worked with countless people who struggle with the way they speak to themselves; in fact, I would say almost every person I have worked with has shown a cycle of negative self-talk that impacts their well-being. You are not alone in this. There are ways to shift your inner dialogue into something more supportive and compassionate. This post will go through some of my top tips on shifting your internal dialogue and how to integrate this into your everyday life.
How we speak to ourselves matters — and the good news is, we can change it.
What is negative self-talk and why does it matter?
Negative self-talk is your inner critic telling you you’re not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, or capable enough, and this inner critic can be convincing. This voice is often sneaky, disguising itself as the ‘truth’ to ‘protect you,’ over time, it shapes how we see ourselves and the world.
When left unchecked, negative self-talk can increase anxiety and stress, lower confidence and self-worth, and hold you back from opportunities and joy. If a friend came up to you and said, “I feel like I’m worthless,” would you agree? The answer is (probably) a resounding no. So, why do we say these things to ourselves?
Where does negative self-talk come from?
Understanding where these thoughts come from can help us challenge the thoughts better. While there isn’t one place where all negative self-talk stems from, there are some common sources, including:
Childhood experiences: maybe you grew up in an environment where criticism was common; maybe you felt as though you were being compared to a sibling or family member; maybe you felt pressure to be “perfect” and were punished when unrealistic expectations weren’t met. As we get older, we often repeat or mimic how we were spoken to when we were young, believing that whatever the authority figure told us was correct and that we inherently deserve criticism. (In the approach to therapy I practice, we would refer to this as schemas and modes.)
Cognitive distortions (or the lies we tell ourselves): these are common negative thinking patterns that are commonly seen in people that are overwhelming inaccurate and unhelpful. These include black-and-white thinking (seeing things as all good or bad), overgeneralizations (creating a rule after a single piece of evidence), jumping to conclusions (assuming what another person is feeling or thinking), and discounting the positives (ignoring or invalidating the good and positive things that happen to you), to name a few. (There are 15 in total. If you’re interested in learning more about cognitive distortions, comment below, and maybe I’ll write a post dedicated to this!)
Societal and social media pressures: we live in a world that constantly tells us how we can be ‘better versions of ourselves,’ as if who we are now isn’t good enough.
How to challenge and reframe negative self-talk
Just because you think it doesn’t mean it’s true. This is a fact that many people have struggled to accept during the initial stages of therapy, but one that everyone ultimately accepts (eventually). Once you accept that your thoughts are not facts, challenging negative self-talk becomes easier. Here are some of my top ways of challenging your internal dialogue.
Notice It:
To change your thoughts, you must first become aware of what you’re saying to yourself. This self-awareness is a powerful tool that puts you in control. Pay attention to your inner dialogue — do you notice any patterns in how you speak to yourself? Is it different than how you talk to others?
I challenge my clients to say their negative thoughts out loud, preferably to themselves in the mirror. If that’s too challenging, write down your most common negative thoughts. The idea is to confront yourself directly with how you speak to yourself, pulling your focus to how harsh these thoughts are. Once confronted with how we speak to ourselves, it can often be easier to see these thoughts more realistically: just how mean, dismissive, and judgmental they are.
Question It:
You’ve been confronted with the things you say to yourself; now it’s time to question the thoughts directly. Ask yourself this:
Is this 100% true? If so, what evidence do I have that makes this true?
Would I say these things to someone I love? Would I even say this to someone I barely know?
Is there another way to look at this? I.e. instead of “I always mess up” maybe you can see it as “I’ve made mistakes, but I learn and improve from them”, seeing making mistakes as a natural part of the learning process.
Try to avoid the fallacy of thought that your inner dialogue is always right. Instead, question your own thoughts as you would for anyone else.
Reframe It:
Reframing thoughts is often the part people struggle with the most. It's important to remember that this is a process, not an instant solution. When you are so used to being your own worst critic, finding a new thought to replace the negative one with can sometimes feel impossible. But reframing your thoughts isn’t about toxic positivity or trying to say the complete opposite of your negative thoughts blindly — it’s about being fair to you and finding a more balanced and supportive thought instead.
For example, instead of saying, “I mess everything up,” try to say, “I’m a person who makes mistakes, but I can learn and grow from them.” If that feels challenging, try adding, “I notice that I’m thinking…” followed by the negative thought. By trying to reframe the negative thought into a more balanced or neutral thought, you can help alleviate some of the stress and anxiety caused by the negative self-talk.
Be Your Own Best Friend
A relatively simple and effective way to challenge your negative self-talk is by asking yourself, “Would I say this to my best friend?” I can almost guarantee the answer will always be a loud “NO!” If you wouldn’t say it to a friend, why would you say it to yourself? Remember, you are the only one stuck with you, so developing a strong relationship with yourself is crucial. Try speaking to yourself with the same kindness and encouragement you’d offer someone else. If you find this challenging, try to talk to yourself in the third person and see if that helps you connect to your internal voice as your best friend.
Practical strategies to reframe your inner dialogue
While we can work on challenging our thoughts, we can also find more practical ways to reframe and cope with a negative inner dialogue.
Try daily affirmations: Start simple with ones like “I am doing my best, and that is enough.” Remember, we’re not looking for toxic positivity but a way to create a more compassionate voice.
Journal your wins: Sometimes we need to remember what we’ve accomplished in a day, even the small wins. Each night, write down one thing you did well (that could even be as ‘small’ as getting out of bed even when you didn’t feel like it!).
Practice mindfulness: I know, mindfulness is incredibly popular and I’m sure you’ve heard all about it. If you want some more mindfulness tips, check out this post here.
Surround yourself with positivity: Try to reduce exposure to things (or people) that reinforce negativity. This could mean limiting the amount of news your consuming, following uplifting accounts, reading inspiration books, or spending more time with those who uplift you.
When to seek support
Sometimes we need more support and guidance when it comes to our internal dialogue. If your negative self-talk is persistent, overwhelming, or tied to a deeper struggle (like trauma, anxiety, depression, or low self-worth), therapy can help. You don’t have to navigate this alone.
If you’re interested in working with us at Therapy with Olivia book your free consultation here, or if you would like to learn more about our services, click here.
