Stop shoulding all over yourself: How language impacts your mental health
I’m sure many of us have heard something like ‘careful what you say; your words have power,’ and there is truth to that. A lot of truth to that.
This statement, though, contradicts another common phrase I heard growing up: 'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.’ While I’ve always understood the importance of this phrase—to remind people (especially children) that you don’t have to give power to people’s words, that they can mean nothing—I was never really able to feel its importance.
Sure, we can explain away hurtful words with thoughts and explanations like they’re just jealous, projecting, and hurting themselves, but that doesn’t take away the hurt and pain some words can cause. Words don’t leave physical marks, but they can cause lasting internal scars, scars that create beliefs, beliefs that create negative coping, coping that can cause serious harm. Sure, we can still try to dismiss the words others use and fight against them, but what happens when those hurtful words come from you?
In my work, I constantly hit the ‘pause’ button with my clients to focus on the language they’re using, to bring the focus to how they say what they’re feeling, and to use that as a moment to teach the ultimate life lesson we all know but seem to forget (myself included!): the language you use really matters! Simple word choices can change the meaning of a phrase or how we internalize and interpret what we’re saying to ourselves.
The dreaded should
I decided to write this piece mainly to discuss the word ‘should.’ And, yes, I can write an entire post about one word, believe it or not. I feel super passionate about this, both personally and professionally.
Stop should-ing all over yourself. This phrase I heard years ago has stuck with me ever since, and I have used it all the time in my work and personal life. And the phrase I hope will gain more traction sooner rather than later. Not only is it just a fun phrase to say (seriously, say it aloud yourself and tell me you didn’t giggle just a little bit. Or at least crack a smile), it’s five simple words whose meaning can quite literally change your life.
I want you to think about how many times a day you tell yourself you should have done something or that you should not have done something; maybe you told yourself you should have woken up sooner, then you would have had enough time for breakfast; perhaps you told yourself you really shouldn’t have had a burger last night for dinner because you should be eating healthy. How did it feel to say that to yourself? What feelings came up for you when you’re looking back at it? Maybe it doesn’t feel wrong because you said it, but what if someone else told you the same thing? You should do something different; you shouldn’t have said/done that thing. How would that feel?
Of course, I can’t know for sure what you said, but I can say with quite a bit of certainty that it doesn’t feel good. I would dare to say that it feels like judgment.
When we tell ourselves what we should or should not do, say, wear, eat, spend time with, etc., we send an implicit message to our brain that what we do isn’t good enough. We’re making judgments about ourselves, our behaviors, and even who we are as people without even realizing we’re doing that. This type of internal judgment sticks around; it fuels how we feel about ourselves, both negatively and positively. But who we are as people isn’t determined by what we didn’t do but what we did do.
What do you do now?
This question almost always follows when pointing out the ‘should.’ The answer is quite simple but also quite tricky. We replace the word. That’s it. We replace the word should with wish, want, or hope to show that it’s okay that we didn’t but that we really want to next time.
Let’s look at an example.
You’ve been working on better communication skills in your relationships and putting the work into it. You’ve started therapy, noticed when the communication is failing between you and others, and begun the work to change those habits. Maybe in the past, you would walk away at any sign of conflict, and now you’ve been working on understanding and internalizing that not all conflict is destructive. The work is there.
Imagine you’re in a difficult situation with a friend and know there will be conflict. Maybe one of you has accidentally hurt the other in some way, and the only way to solve this situation is to have an uncomfortable but important conversation. You know this to be true, your friend knows this to be true, yet you shrug off whatever happened as ‘no big deal’ and try to avoid the topic at all costs. That doesn’t feel good for you or your friend, and you start feeling disappointed in yourself for not facing this conflict as you promised yourself you would, like you’ve been working towards being able to handle.
Then you say it. ‘I should have just talked about it and gotten it over with. I should have known better than to avoid the topic.’ Instead of just feeling disappointed, you’re now adding a level of judgment, telling yourself that what you did is wrong and you must do better. And sure, I can agree that walking away from this conflict will do more harm than good, but what does telling yourself how you ‘should have’ done it really do for you? It doesn’t give you a time machine to go back and face the conflict; it only makes you feel worse.
Let’s imagine instead of saying, ‘I should have talked about it,’ what if you tell yourself, ‘Man, I really wish I would have talked this through when I had a chance.’ How would that feel? Would you be more open to readdressing this issue with your friend? Will you be more patient and compassionate with yourself? Will it allow you to explore why you didn’t talk about it when you had the chance? I would dare to say it would change a lot because I see that every day.
It’s always easier to say you can ‘just replace the word’ when it’s something you’ve been doing probably as long as you can remember. Whenever you catch yourself saying ‘should’ is when you correct it, even if it’s after the sentence leaves your mouth. It’s never too late to fix your language mistakes; your brain will process the correction the same way it processes the original response.
I could go on and on about how much our language matters to others and ourselves. It’s something I focus on regularly in my therapeutic practice. But, sharing every single theme I see in language would be exhaustive, too long to read, and probably a bit boring. One thing, though, that I see across all clients – no matter where they’re from, what languages they speak, what gender they are, what race they are, whatever their identity is – is everyone shoulding all over themselves. And if you wouldn’t judge your best friend for making a mistake, why would you do the same to you?
